dee kay

please sir,
don't you walk away,
don't you walk away,
don't you walk away.

is it possible to feel right in the middle of really living and empty all at the same time?
not that i'm feeling that exactly...
i just think something's missing.
oh that's right, my life.

Uni work, be gone. I don't like myself right now.

Thank God for music. So I lie, with my eyes closed and light on, thinking of everything and nothing.
Soon there will be no more 'tomorrows'. It will just have to be done.

31 days. That's right. I'm counting down.

i'm uncomfortable and tired,
believably inspired.
Can't sit in one place for too long,
and I'm constantly humming songs.

I believe that there is caring,
involved when there is sharing.
And in other things like sounds,
that make the world go round.

There is beauty and a smile to mention,
in every single situation.
The happiness politely waits,
for us to find her silent gates.

Beguiled and wonder fills my soul,
with questions plenty and bountiful,
I'll never really understand,
my gibberish and prolonged rants.

But slowly and hopefully surely, someday soon
It'll all make sense and one afternoon,
without wonder or by any amazing plight,
these messed up thoughts will take some flight
and they won't just be the letters on
a screen that some people find troublesome
to interpret or read or guess
because actions speak much louder, yes?

I'll stop here for tonight and rest,
tomorrow i've got a huge day ahead.
More thoughts of words and words of thought,
They never seem to be enough.

Oh back to work,
I pretend to think.
But ben knows,
I'll probably just fall asleep.

Goodnight all :)
x

that's really all I wanted to say.
also, my sudoku book is running out of puzzles,
i suddenly love radio again (probably not as much as I used to, but radio production is the bomb)
and there is so much to do for uni.
I'm getting on it.
right
now.

mix and match.
skip a beat and make it work. make it cohesive.

they tell you it's ok to wonder, not to worry.

if fear grasps you, it's the past that you're letting control your life.

passion. if you want something bad enough and work towards it,
there's no way, no way, it can't be yours.

I wonder.

why I keep forgetting what my heart desires?

why the clouds are so facinating

why smiles are so contagious.

why I can't do something I don't put my mind to.

why i forget.

I wonder

and sooner or later, it so easily turns into worry.

my hands are raised to the sky. I am not afraid to ask, I'm not afraid to be wrong.

I'm afraid to loose. I'm afraid to say 'I' too much.

I'm curious about the future, but I don't want to know anything about it.

my thoughts are intangible. but they are real.

I want to confess. That right now, I am happy.

Also, I am listening to a podcast. and due to my lack of ability to mult-task,
this post probably doesn't make sense.

But it is true.

Tell the truth. It's healthy for you.

Mix and match,
match and mix.
breathe it in and make believe.

.

Since I've spent the past hour procrastinating (this initially started with the innocent tapping of taani's piano and deciding to go for a ten minute break... then I plugged the internet into my laptop)
i thought I might jot down some notes that my mind has has penciled in as I was looking through some old photos,

I miss my little sister very much. thanks for the sms today BD khoo, i'm thinking of you often as well.
Also to my mother, who I know for a fact reads this blog, :D thanks for talking to me last night, even though I probably sounded like I was sleep-talking [which is likely the case, i don't really remember]  

I don't know really who else bothers to constantly tune in to my ramblings

Since it's been almost a month between now and my last blog entry, I thought i'd bring all you winners that read my blog a re-tell of one of my amazingly fantastical dreams
where there are dragons and knights
and massive sword fights!
where objects have feelings and
we aren't human beings.

where talk isn't cheap and there is so much more,
than uni and work and space with tall walls.

BUT, in reality... my recent dreams have not been as exciting as all that.
The knights I reckon are taking a break and I suppose reality television and comedy sitcoms, as well as poorly mannered cartoons, have well influenced my mind's theater. It will have to do for now, because they keep me going.
Not that I have anything to go on, given that I've been somewhat [a LOT] less productive that I was last semester
(at least, this is when I'm being honest with myself)

but OH how good life has been the past couple of weeks.
[calm down ben, it's not just you] :)

i've finally gotten a waitressing job!!!!!!
uni work is starting to get into full spin..
i'm working on my spirit
and of course, as there always is,
there is a boy.

I don't know how much he wants to feature in this blog post, as I predict by this point he'll be grinning ridiculously while thinking that this is completely embarrassing and regrets joking about it. when in fact he's as happy as a button.
ok but enough about the boy,

I should really get onto this review. There's so much reading to be done :(
and for those of you who know me,
you'd know that I'd very much rather be reviewed than review someone else's writing.
Must. try. to. appeal. to. the. hungry. learner. in. me.

if only we had points for effort.

here we begin! only 1200 words to go.

it's getting easier to say goodbye. or is it getting harder?

how much can i enjoy the moment if we're not focusing on it?

i have no idea what's going on.
but what I do know, is it isn't fun :(

there are those amazing moments, and we try and capture those and make them happen over and over and over again. hoping to fulfill our lives with sequences of amazing moments.

sasha wakes to the sun
shining into her bedroom.
As the heat beats against her cold bed
she smells a beautiful day ahead.

Walking along the street she passes shops
closed, open, setting up, closing down.
Jumping into puddles of light
she holds a mini rebellion against the wind
and the sadness it hints.

'You can't get me down today'
her heart expounds as she smiles
and with great care allows a small sigh to dissipate in her little heart,
pretending that it was never there to begin with.

Jump once, twice, three times.
The sunlight splashing onto her shoes, socks, dress and everything in between.
Jump four, five, six more times
And all of a sudden the clouds engulf the source of her joy.

Not afraid to reach between the buttons of her dress,
through her rib cage and straight to her heart,
she feels the throb of her heart so congested it bleeds passion.
'Let me be for today. For I am out of joy and in need of some release'

'Alright.' And as she washes the sunshine from her dress, socks, shoes and everything in between,
tears fall naturally from her fragile face
and her emotions run along her veins like children in a candy store.
'Please don't take too long' she begs as she begins a process she knows only too well.
After her first plea, nothing else matters, as she allows the feelings -personal or worldly inflicted-
to wash against and within her body before falling to the floor,
completely detached after doing the work they were created to accomplish.
As if a lifetime has passed, the last of them falls.

One would expect her face to be pale and lifeless,
for it's not easy for this exercise to be completed.
And while worried at what we might find, we look up anyway
hoping to provide comfort, or an after-relief of some kind.

No one can predict what they might find,
for she is free, pure and full of joy.
The way she was made to be.
Life pulsates in her entity
and her cheeks are flushed with cheeky anticipation.

Just then the clouds roll away and as she shy's a hint of a smile
it suddenly seems as if no time had passed at all.
Hand on her heart, she is now beaming.
'Don't forget' she whispers
as she skips off into the city.

Sasha wakes to the sun,
shining into her bedroom.
Salt crystals lacing her eyelashes and smiles
she smells a beautiful day ahead.

I do not even remember typing the last entry.
i'm not too sure where my mind has been lately.
some days i have rough encounters as to what my body has been clockworking itself to doing,
the only real thing i feel (amongst a few others) is playing guitar. this is also because the fingers on my left hand give off slight sensations of what i recognize to be pain. but that aside,
you know how you listen to a track on your iPod (or mp3, discman... whatever your flavour may be) and you tell yourself, hey! this is an awesome song. let's listen to the words. and as you sit on the bus, train, tram or walk and listen to the song, before you know it, the song's ending... wait a minute! i don't even remember the second chorus coming on! so you click the back track button and it plays again. now, depending on how great your grasp on the term 'focus' is, this may happen a couple of times, or you may not experience this at all. But for those of you who can identify with this situation, my life is like this right now. and I feel like I'm going through a huge bridge that goes through a chord in minor just to make a point (i am not too sure how much sense that makes). It's something I know is meant to be written or sung, it makes the song structurally sound, adds in drama (because this is what I'm known for) and allows for a music break or at least a tone change. Not too sure whether this tune is slowing down and picking up, or picking up then slowing down.. or if i'm just going to give up writing it. For some reason, I feel compelled to keep this tune going, but I don't see it ending, or actually using it. I dream about how it'll end, and constantly get disappointed for expecting it to write itself. But i'm tired. so very tired. Today a stranger told me that I have a nice smile. So i tried to smile all the way home. There are so many things that make me smile, but there's also a thin line between joy and insanity. and keeping that smile plastered onto my face all the 20 minute way home just made me feel like I had crossed it. So as sense kicked in, I let the wind hide my sigh under my fading red hair and as the gust past, i swept my hair from my face, looked up to see the sun peeking through the clouds and felt happy. n even though I'm pretty sure I didn't smile at that moment, my emotions were on positive and my heart jumped a little and i felt my heart smile.

i might not be the most self censored person when it comes to holding back how I really feel and believe me, i'm working on it... I know I can't expect the same from you... but you have to understand, as much as you've been hurt, i have a history too. And while it doesn't take much for me to want to put everything on the line, all it takes is one reason for me to turn and never look back.