dee kay

please sir,
don't you walk away,
don't you walk away,
don't you walk away.

is it possible to feel right in the middle of really living and empty all at the same time?
not that i'm feeling that exactly...
i just think something's missing.
oh that's right, my life.

Uni work, be gone. I don't like myself right now.

Thank God for music. So I lie, with my eyes closed and light on, thinking of everything and nothing.
Soon there will be no more 'tomorrows'. It will just have to be done.

31 days. That's right. I'm counting down.

i'm uncomfortable and tired,
believably inspired.
Can't sit in one place for too long,
and I'm constantly humming songs.

I believe that there is caring,
involved when there is sharing.
And in other things like sounds,
that make the world go round.

There is beauty and a smile to mention,
in every single situation.
The happiness politely waits,
for us to find her silent gates.

Beguiled and wonder fills my soul,
with questions plenty and bountiful,
I'll never really understand,
my gibberish and prolonged rants.

But slowly and hopefully surely, someday soon
It'll all make sense and one afternoon,
without wonder or by any amazing plight,
these messed up thoughts will take some flight
and they won't just be the letters on
a screen that some people find troublesome
to interpret or read or guess
because actions speak much louder, yes?

I'll stop here for tonight and rest,
tomorrow i've got a huge day ahead.
More thoughts of words and words of thought,
They never seem to be enough.

Oh back to work,
I pretend to think.
But ben knows,
I'll probably just fall asleep.

Goodnight all :)
x

that's really all I wanted to say.
also, my sudoku book is running out of puzzles,
i suddenly love radio again (probably not as much as I used to, but radio production is the bomb)
and there is so much to do for uni.
I'm getting on it.
right
now.

mix and match.
skip a beat and make it work. make it cohesive.

they tell you it's ok to wonder, not to worry.

if fear grasps you, it's the past that you're letting control your life.

passion. if you want something bad enough and work towards it,
there's no way, no way, it can't be yours.

I wonder.

why I keep forgetting what my heart desires?

why the clouds are so facinating

why smiles are so contagious.

why I can't do something I don't put my mind to.

why i forget.

I wonder

and sooner or later, it so easily turns into worry.

my hands are raised to the sky. I am not afraid to ask, I'm not afraid to be wrong.

I'm afraid to loose. I'm afraid to say 'I' too much.

I'm curious about the future, but I don't want to know anything about it.

my thoughts are intangible. but they are real.

I want to confess. That right now, I am happy.

Also, I am listening to a podcast. and due to my lack of ability to mult-task,
this post probably doesn't make sense.

But it is true.

Tell the truth. It's healthy for you.

Mix and match,
match and mix.
breathe it in and make believe.

.

Since I've spent the past hour procrastinating (this initially started with the innocent tapping of taani's piano and deciding to go for a ten minute break... then I plugged the internet into my laptop)
i thought I might jot down some notes that my mind has has penciled in as I was looking through some old photos,

I miss my little sister very much. thanks for the sms today BD khoo, i'm thinking of you often as well.
Also to my mother, who I know for a fact reads this blog, :D thanks for talking to me last night, even though I probably sounded like I was sleep-talking [which is likely the case, i don't really remember]  

I don't know really who else bothers to constantly tune in to my ramblings

Since it's been almost a month between now and my last blog entry, I thought i'd bring all you winners that read my blog a re-tell of one of my amazingly fantastical dreams
where there are dragons and knights
and massive sword fights!
where objects have feelings and
we aren't human beings.

where talk isn't cheap and there is so much more,
than uni and work and space with tall walls.

BUT, in reality... my recent dreams have not been as exciting as all that.
The knights I reckon are taking a break and I suppose reality television and comedy sitcoms, as well as poorly mannered cartoons, have well influenced my mind's theater. It will have to do for now, because they keep me going.
Not that I have anything to go on, given that I've been somewhat [a LOT] less productive that I was last semester
(at least, this is when I'm being honest with myself)

but OH how good life has been the past couple of weeks.
[calm down ben, it's not just you] :)

i've finally gotten a waitressing job!!!!!!
uni work is starting to get into full spin..
i'm working on my spirit
and of course, as there always is,
there is a boy.

I don't know how much he wants to feature in this blog post, as I predict by this point he'll be grinning ridiculously while thinking that this is completely embarrassing and regrets joking about it. when in fact he's as happy as a button.
ok but enough about the boy,

I should really get onto this review. There's so much reading to be done :(
and for those of you who know me,
you'd know that I'd very much rather be reviewed than review someone else's writing.
Must. try. to. appeal. to. the. hungry. learner. in. me.

if only we had points for effort.

here we begin! only 1200 words to go.

it's getting easier to say goodbye. or is it getting harder?

how much can i enjoy the moment if we're not focusing on it?

i have no idea what's going on.
but what I do know, is it isn't fun :(

there are those amazing moments, and we try and capture those and make them happen over and over and over again. hoping to fulfill our lives with sequences of amazing moments.

sasha wakes to the sun
shining into her bedroom.
As the heat beats against her cold bed
she smells a beautiful day ahead.

Walking along the street she passes shops
closed, open, setting up, closing down.
Jumping into puddles of light
she holds a mini rebellion against the wind
and the sadness it hints.

'You can't get me down today'
her heart expounds as she smiles
and with great care allows a small sigh to dissipate in her little heart,
pretending that it was never there to begin with.

Jump once, twice, three times.
The sunlight splashing onto her shoes, socks, dress and everything in between.
Jump four, five, six more times
And all of a sudden the clouds engulf the source of her joy.

Not afraid to reach between the buttons of her dress,
through her rib cage and straight to her heart,
she feels the throb of her heart so congested it bleeds passion.
'Let me be for today. For I am out of joy and in need of some release'

'Alright.' And as she washes the sunshine from her dress, socks, shoes and everything in between,
tears fall naturally from her fragile face
and her emotions run along her veins like children in a candy store.
'Please don't take too long' she begs as she begins a process she knows only too well.
After her first plea, nothing else matters, as she allows the feelings -personal or worldly inflicted-
to wash against and within her body before falling to the floor,
completely detached after doing the work they were created to accomplish.
As if a lifetime has passed, the last of them falls.

One would expect her face to be pale and lifeless,
for it's not easy for this exercise to be completed.
And while worried at what we might find, we look up anyway
hoping to provide comfort, or an after-relief of some kind.

No one can predict what they might find,
for she is free, pure and full of joy.
The way she was made to be.
Life pulsates in her entity
and her cheeks are flushed with cheeky anticipation.

Just then the clouds roll away and as she shy's a hint of a smile
it suddenly seems as if no time had passed at all.
Hand on her heart, she is now beaming.
'Don't forget' she whispers
as she skips off into the city.

Sasha wakes to the sun,
shining into her bedroom.
Salt crystals lacing her eyelashes and smiles
she smells a beautiful day ahead.

I do not even remember typing the last entry.
i'm not too sure where my mind has been lately.
some days i have rough encounters as to what my body has been clockworking itself to doing,
the only real thing i feel (amongst a few others) is playing guitar. this is also because the fingers on my left hand give off slight sensations of what i recognize to be pain. but that aside,
you know how you listen to a track on your iPod (or mp3, discman... whatever your flavour may be) and you tell yourself, hey! this is an awesome song. let's listen to the words. and as you sit on the bus, train, tram or walk and listen to the song, before you know it, the song's ending... wait a minute! i don't even remember the second chorus coming on! so you click the back track button and it plays again. now, depending on how great your grasp on the term 'focus' is, this may happen a couple of times, or you may not experience this at all. But for those of you who can identify with this situation, my life is like this right now. and I feel like I'm going through a huge bridge that goes through a chord in minor just to make a point (i am not too sure how much sense that makes). It's something I know is meant to be written or sung, it makes the song structurally sound, adds in drama (because this is what I'm known for) and allows for a music break or at least a tone change. Not too sure whether this tune is slowing down and picking up, or picking up then slowing down.. or if i'm just going to give up writing it. For some reason, I feel compelled to keep this tune going, but I don't see it ending, or actually using it. I dream about how it'll end, and constantly get disappointed for expecting it to write itself. But i'm tired. so very tired. Today a stranger told me that I have a nice smile. So i tried to smile all the way home. There are so many things that make me smile, but there's also a thin line between joy and insanity. and keeping that smile plastered onto my face all the 20 minute way home just made me feel like I had crossed it. So as sense kicked in, I let the wind hide my sigh under my fading red hair and as the gust past, i swept my hair from my face, looked up to see the sun peeking through the clouds and felt happy. n even though I'm pretty sure I didn't smile at that moment, my emotions were on positive and my heart jumped a little and i felt my heart smile.

i might not be the most self censored person when it comes to holding back how I really feel and believe me, i'm working on it... I know I can't expect the same from you... but you have to understand, as much as you've been hurt, i have a history too. And while it doesn't take much for me to want to put everything on the line, all it takes is one reason for me to turn and never look back.

and while thinking has usually done my head in, thanks to my recently progressive inability to functions as efficiently, it has instead proven to be quite useful. I've learned to take in certain things and leave some things behind. I recognize when I'm tired, and have no problem sleeping in, and strangely enough, not feel too bad about it later on.

On a stranger note:

Playing back some old songs recorded on my mobile,
and after watching 'Once' for the ??th time,
I can't help but feel that little urge to <i>do something</i>.
like there's something I'm holding myself back from doing.
I would be one crazy chick if I didn't put boundaries on myself I reckon.
There are some scenarios that, after contemplation (because I'm not smooth enough to do them improv) are very questionable.

Right now my eyelids are slowly closing,
but I don't know what I can say or do
to just spend a little more time with you.

and while it's not my priority, I do wanna make people smile.
hear stories and write songs for people.
it's not wrong to want to make people happy,
or want to make people smile.
while temporary joy is said to be spoken about with tinges of condemnation,

ok I can't do this, i'll continue this in the morning. my eyes are closing.
goodnight world.

follow my tweets?
www.twitter.com/deekhoo

love,dee.

i think way too much. this is but an informed decision of character.
and I like that I do. but there are some things that I wish I didn't. and i'm learning.
to let things come naturally. and while they might not seem like the usual course of action,
I've never really been one for 'the usual'. at least that's what i reckon.
ok so basically i'm just ranting after watching 'the bloom brothers' i love adrian brody now. not that i didn't before. but i have developed a new love.
:D

countdown to melbourne: 3 days.

there's something about lying around and listening to music or better yet, lying (anywhere) and looking at the clouds and listening to good music. there's something amazing about that. amazing.
I keep replaying scenes in my head that are probably evolving into something different then the actual events of that evening/morning but I digress.
conversations about nothing and everything seem to take place all over again with some unexpected people and some that have been very very missed and looking back on old diaries that I had left behind I realize my take on the world is so different from what it used to be. While I was more vocal about it before, I think that much more and learn that much faster now. I'm sure it's like that drawing on the white board that James and I cheekily discussed before one of our MI tutorials (pain-fulfillment-pain) (ha-ha). Ok that sentence was just added for no conjunction-ing reason.. (so was the extra full stop). Also, there's SO MUCH that has happened in the past FIVE months (feb,march,april,may,june) that I am so greteful for and have learnt so much of, I can't even begin to describe it on my blog... which is why I haven't event attempted in the past couple of months. I've been overwhelmed by a colourful ray of emotions and they didn't even come one after the other. Just all at the same time, and jumbled up, as if they themselves were confused. And while my putting pen to paper has never been so infrequent, when I do write, it is with full intent to disperse inspiration into tangible form or to push some buttons in my mentaly inactive entity.
still. my thinking patters have far from changed. I catch my mind wondering off to a world where I don't have to worry about wearing my heart on my sleeve or if my words have been taken too seriously or lightly. where the dependency of my happiness is mearely measured on positive degrees and my thoughts are possibly less complicated than they are when I feel... complicated. I sip on my water that is laced with the green tea that was previously poured into it and think about how every part of my life will always be traced with my past. Is it about being able to let it go? live for the moment? or remembering and learning from it... but probably having to hang on to the unpleasentries as well. There is no such thing as a win-win. Not for the things that matter. Because as cheesy as it sounds, things of worth are worth what they are through the sacrifice you have to make to earn it. I don't know how I got to this point but I guess I've always had a way of talking myself into the weirdest of topics. But just as a late disclaimer, this entry is like one of those movies that you've wanted to watch for ages but because there just seems to be other things to do as the movie goes on, you have no choice but to watch it over, say, ten hours. This is like that. I started this post probably a good eight hours ago and have since had breakfast and lunch (not consecutively of course), watched three episodes of ghost whisperer, talked to my mother, father and both my sisters, yolly, started organizing my facebook friends, twittered everal times, snacked on some chocolate and watched a few movie trailers on apple.com (note to self: watch and read 'the time traveler's wife'). while I might have been a little too specific I assure you there are things I have missed out. Still.. I can't help but think that in that time I've spent a good majority of it on my laptop. which, not to say the least, is fair because i'm trying to be socially responsible and perform some self quarantine, even if just for one day. There's more I want to say, there's always more I want to say, :) but I won't. I reckon this post is long enough.

old photos and elderly words of wisdom
make me question, my decisions.
But, life will go on and we'll never comprehend
why this world keeps on spinning, when we're not ready yet.
with a smile and a shrug that you know all too well,
I'll let this matter rest, at least for now, I will.

(the post title isn't supposed to make sense)

everything's so blurry...


I don't know at this point if I'm more emotionally overloaded or completely empty that has cause the choke in articulation off late. But it's throwing me slightly off in one of those weigh-the-pros-and-cons-to-determine- good-or-bad kinda ways (the grammar's not completely off, go back n read it again).  What I do know that music wise, there's never been a time where I have more to say. I want to do more: sing more, write more. The scary thing is though, that the longer I stay in Melbourne, the more I want to stay.. longer, that is. Of course I want to travel and I want to live all over the world but what is this undeniably inquisitive nerve that is pulsing me to question the possibilities of me staying? It could be the new friendships formed, (a few of which who are leaving soon..) but, ok let's side track a little. I couldn't help but link this to my ever failing attempt at long term commitment. Family wise, I don't even really have to touch on, all I'll say is we've had rough times, but a sure thing is a sure thing and I know they'll never stop being my family. But what was it that happened along the way that's caused the deep assumtion that everyone-will-leave-me-one-day. Where has it come from and why is it haunting my emotional state? Is it skeptism? I recognize that I won't be the last one to jump on the bandwagon of... well anything... but I do have a heart that will act against sense if I feel it's right. And while it would be extreemely the opposite of modest to admit this, but compassion is one code of ethic I've been brought up with (and utilise... most of the time, i'm hoping)...
in the end, you know, i'll get there. slowly but surely there are some amazing people I've come across this week (and this year in fact) that've shown me compassion, love and a reason to climb out of my safe-zone shell. You gotta love to be loved. avail yourself to the possibility that life can be amazing, awe-inspiring, and anything really that you want it to be. You just have to let it.
(this burst of emotions have not been accelerated by my asian pop culture essay. but it has given me the opportunity to place myself in positions to be. haha.)

i will be up tonight. all night. give me a shout.

hangin in there.

dee

thanks for posting the picture up tho Asami! :)

Yea so the story behind this picture is that I asked Giulia what covers I should do for limelight. I really should have more carefully contemplated this move as I was soon to find out that she had recently (then) chanced upon a cover of Disney's The Little Mermaid - 'Kiss the girl' redone by Ashley Tinsdale (High School Musical). Now as an early fan of Ariel (TLM) I was intrigued by her decision. And in true D&G style we started making big plans in a big way. (Now that I think about it, we possibly laughed harder about the thought of it all rather than on the day it was supposed to happen...anyway) We got the material, i drew a fake mermaid top on a white shirt and we were raring to go. What we hadn't planned, was my guitar falling, going completely out of tune, steph draping the cloth over me and standing inbetween myself and the mic... and me completely freaking out. BUT that said, everyone (I hope at least) had a good laugh and a good time and fingers crossed The Limelight crew will allow me to keep playing for their monthly events. haha. That said, I will be on The Limelight Hour this week on saturday 4-5pm and it's gonna be good. so tune in, shut up and listen. because I've got something to say to you. Ok well I didn't mean the shut up bit but you know me. Half the time I don't know what i'm saying. Love you all. have a great week. till i blog again...

Love's lovin you.
PS please pray for my Japanese exam tomorrow and a FULL day of Media Industries presentations on wednesday...
12 more days and I am a free little girl. (for this semester at least)...

i worry sometimes. 0.0

two things i'm learning at 3am in the morning...

my hands look like they're at best 50 years old,
and i'm slowly developing a huge secret crush on tim mcmillan. 0.0

so i guess that means i'll be at spleen every tuesday.
HAHAHAHA.
ok. bed. now.

ok she's not the littlest khoo, but she is in our family... and you acutally see my retarded face a little more than your retarded face in this picture -_-'', but I miss you more than you probably realize. Thank you for bringing so much joy into my life. We've had some pretty rough years but check it out, we've come through them and if I've had to choose any relationship, you and i would be the best epitome of the rainbow, because our arguments could get pretty full on, but I don't know anyone else I'd want to go through that much with and come out of it as strong as we are. There's so much I owe in my life to you, not just learning how to deal with life's crap, but learning from you that it's important to be happy. it's important to smile when you're happy and cry when it hurts. because sometimes people are stupid and need to be shown how you really feel. you've taught me how to let me defences down when I should and when I need to be understanding to people I love around me. You've taught me how to love, myself and others, how to not take myself too seriously, and that there's a certain amount of street cred receive by allowing yourself to look like an idiot in front of the camera. I can't say too much cuz i'm just gonna end up in front of my laptop like... crying, but what it all boils down to is thank you, for being my sister, room-mate, advisor, listener, friend, best friend, enemy, joker, entertainer, audience, critic and wonderful person. Happy 21st birthday. just because you're considered an adult doesn't by any means deem that I will treat you like one. But I will love you, it'll take a LOT to get rid of me. and stop grinning, you're like totally freakin me out. :)

-i'm the duck.

No, I'm not back in Singapore yet, and I don't know where i'll be after I graduate. But slowly and surely I'm beginning to understand that home is a term that will be ever evolving and there's pretty much nothing I can do about it, except realize that i'm home, right now. wherever I am. Because the people that are the most important to me will always be with me, physically or spiritually. It's not about what's going to be done, what you're doing or what's already been done, let's face it everything ends up as a memory. Thanks to technology we have some digital proof of the past but ultimately it's what we remember that we deem as our past. With everything that's been going on lately (and trust me if I had the time, mental compartmentability and vocabulary I'd write it all down) it's so easy to think about what we're doing right now and forget the big picture... on the flip side there are some people who are always looking at the big bloody picture and not giving two seconds to what's right in front of them. The point is, I've got it down to two things.. prioritiy and passion. For me, for now, these two things are the candles that are lit and lighting the path in front of me (not a path in a jungle, maybe a skate park, no greenery) and while i'd hate to call them references, it's my heart (passion) and head (priorities) that are the two organs that pretty much take over my being. But I reckon I've gone on for more than my thinking capacity allows as of this moment, given that I've still got a ton of stuff to do for school (priority number 3... I have my reasons) and a bout of songs in my head just ready to explode. I have my 'muse' to thank for that. somehow I feel bad, I don't know if I've abused myself or used him as an object to impose my emotions on... either way, it's not that I feel any less about the situation. But I did get a good song out of it. so thanks. you know who you are. thanks for being an amazing friend. you'll probably never even read this. anyway I reckon i might put up a song i wrote a while back for a friend's wedding soon. but I don't have any visual for it. so i might ask a friend to do smth with it. if he would be so kind. beware, if i ring you up soon. it might be trouble. haha.

all said and done I hope you're all having a good week and and awesome life-so-far.
Sending you peace, joy and happiness, whatever part of the globe you're reading from.
AND LOVE OF COURSE! :)
cheers to the bad times, it means the good times are ahead.

dee

i don't know why my head is cut off...

i wish i could've done another take. i might get kicked out of my place for making too much noise. haha